


Taking a stand to escape what's inside me

by Blueshifting



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Poisoning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2020-12-28 00:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21128015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueshifting/pseuds/Blueshifting
Summary: After hearing about the evils of magic and seeing it used for wicked purposes, Merlin begins to believe that magic corrupts. To avoid succumbing to the evil of magic, Merlin attempts to kill himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur woke up on his own; by the light of the sun, it was later than Merlin was supposed to wake him. Irritated, Arthur dressed himself, then noticed a note. He opened it, and was shocked by its contents. 

Arthur,  
I’m sorry. I have magic, and I’m sorry that I was too much of a coward to tell you in person. I didn’t choose magic— I’ve always had it, since the day I was born. My mother told me that I was levitating things in my cradle. I managed to convince myself that I could use magic for good, and I did my best to do so. I’ve done many things to help you and to protect Camelot, but I’ve made terrible mistakes, and I can’t ignore the truth any longer. Magic corrupts, and I refuse to be corrupted by it. That’s why I’m doing this— by the time you find this note, I should be dead. I’m sorry. You were a good friend and King, Arthur. You can be a prat sometimes, but you’ve always been willing to get better, and you have a heart of gold. I’m sorry to leave you like this, but it would be worse for me to be corrupted by magic. It was an honor to be your servant and, dare I say it, your friend.  
Thank you for everything,  
Merlin

Arthur ran to Gaius’ chambers and barged straight in. Merlin was convulsing on the patient cot. Arthur was momentarily stunned into silence, then began, “Gaius, what did he…”

“Poison,” Gaius said grimly. “Luckily, however, there is a cure. I’ve given him the tincture— he’ll live.”


	2. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of ellipses in this chapter... there's plenty of emotional pauses, y'know.

“Is— is it true? Does Merlin have magic, Gaius?” Arthur asked. “You live with him, after all. If anyone noticed, it would be you.”

“...Yes. Merlin has magic,” Gaius said.

“And was he really born with it?”

“Yes, he was. Merlin’s magic is special, unlike any other I’ve seen. He can use magic without saying spells. That sort of instinctive magic would be impossible for any sorcerer.”

“Merlin’s not a sorcerer? What is he then?”

“He’s a warlock— that’s the term for a man born with magic. Warlocks were rare even before the purge, and the younger they start using magic, the more powerful they are. Merlin’s power is beyond anything I’ve ever seen,” Gaius explained. 

Arthur had to pause for a moment. He never thought Merlin could be powerful. But there was something more important on his mind. “I just can’t imagine Merlin being evil. For God’s sake, he tried to kill himself because he didn’t want to become evil! Gaius… you practiced magic once, didn’t you? And you’re not corrupted. Why is that?”

“Sire, despite what your father thought, magic does not corrupt, or at least not more so than any other form of power. Magic is merely a tool, and, like any tool, there are those who will use it for ill. Merlin was never in any danger of being corrupted, and I… I thought he knew that. He always seemed so certain that he could use magic for good. I don’t understand...”

“Gaius… Perhaps it’s because everyone thinks that magic corrupts. The knights, the townspeople, and even I have denounced magic as evil. With so many people saying it, Merlin may have began to believe it as well.” Arthur paused, took a breath, and swallowed his pride. “I’m— I’m sorry. For my role in this. Gaius, though I’ve never told him, Merlin… he means a lot to me. He’s unfailingly loyal and compassionate. If people like you and Merlin can have magic, then it can’t be evil.”

Gaius’ eyes shone with unshed tears. “Sire, it means so much to hear that. If Merlin could hear that… it would mean even more to him, I imagine, to hear it from your lips. All he wanted was to be accepted for who he is, and knowing that he has your acceptance would help put him on the path to healing, I believe.”

“Yes, I believe so. But Merlin will need the support of all his friends. I need to meet with the knights and Guinevere. They’ll understand once I explain. Gaius, thank you for saving Merlin. I want to know what Merlin’s done with his magic, but I think that can wait until he’s well enough to tell me himself,” Arthur said, and he left to gather the knights and Gwen. 

***

“Thank you for coming on such short notice,” Arthur said. 

“Sire, may I ask why you’ve called us so suddenly?” Leon asked.

“Yeah, Princess, why are we here so early?” Gwaine complained. “And where’s Merlin? He has as much of a right to be at these meetings as anyone else!”

Before Arthur could respond, Gwen spoke up. “Is Merlin alright? He usually follows you everywhere…”

“That’s the thing. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just put it bluntly: Merlin tried to kill himself,” Arthur said.

Before Arthur could continue, there was an uproar. “No!” “He wouldn’t!” “Why?!” Once they quieted somewhat, Arthur went on. “Luckily, Gaius had the antidote to the poison Merlin took. He hasn’t woken up yet, but Gaius is confident that he’ll be fine physically,” Arthur assured them.

“But why did he do it? Merlin’s a happy bloke, I don’t understand,” Gwaine said. 

“I haven’t known Merlin long, but from what I’ve seen and what Gwen’s told me, this isn’t the type of thing he’d do,” Elyan said. Percival nodded in agreement.

Lancelot stayed silent, lost in thought. He had an idea about why Merlin attempted suicide, and he didn’t like it one bit. Merlin had seemed somewhat lost of late, less sure of himself and his magic. Lancelot tried to reassure him that he was a good person and that his magic wasn’t evil, but the words of himself and Gaius evidently weren’t enough to outweigh Camelot’s hatred of magic. 

“He left a note. I didn’t believe it at first, but Gaius confirmed it. Merlin has magic,” Arthur said.

“But sire, Merlin would never betray you like that! He doesn’t have an evil bone in his body,” Leon said.

“That’s true. Merlin didn’t choose to learn magic, he was born with it. It’s extremely rare, but possible. And, well, we were wrong. Magic isn’t inherently evil. But after hearing so much about the evils of magic, Merlin tried to kill himself to avoid being corrupted,” Arthur explained. “Once he wakes we can talk to him, reassure him that we don’t hate him and that we know he’s not evil, and then ask about what he’s done with his magic.”


	3. Waking up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin wakes up.

Merlin woke up slowly, his awareness slowly dawning. He first noticed the aching; it seemed to permeate every fiber of his being. He let out a quiet groan of pain, and immediately heard Gwen shout, “Gaius, he’s waking up!” 

Blearily, he wondered why the Queen was at his bedside— they were friends, but surely she had more important things to do. Before Merlin could ponder this line of thought further, the door opened, and the light entering the previously dim chamber hurt his eyes, even from behind his eyelids. Merlin groaned again. “Gwen,” Gaius began (Gwen insisted that Gaius use her name rather than her title), “could you please get Arthur?” Merlin presumed that she gave a nod or some other gesture of agreement, because he heard the sound of her footsteps as she raced away.

“Merlin, can you open your eyes?” Gaius requested gently. With difficulty, Merlin managed to pry open his eyelids. He squinted a bit as he adjusted to the light, but then was able to keep his eyes open. “Are you in any pain?” Gaius asked. 

Merlin paused for a second. He decided against lying— he figured that he wouldn’t be able to conceal his pain very well when he was so sore and exhausted. “I’m very achy,” he said. “Gaius, what—” Before he could finish asking what happened, he remembered. “Gaius! I shouldn't— I shouldn’t be— I should be dead!” Merlin cried. He started shaking and tears welled up in his eyes. 

“Merlin, no!” Gaius exclaimed. 

“But I have magic! I don’t want to be evil, I don’t, I can’t!” Merlin said desperately. He seemed to only be working himself up even more. 

Gaius firmly gripped Merlin’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. Merlin was startled, but didn’t look away. “Merlin, listen to me. Magic isn’t evil, and neither are you. Think of all the good things you’ve done! Without you, Arthur would be dead and Camelot would have fallen. You should be proud of yourself.” 

Gaius’ tone was so sincere that Merlin couldn’t help but give a slight nod. He didn’t believe it fully— one talk isn’t enough to overcome so much self-hatred and misplaced guilt— but it was reassuring to know that Gaius believed in him. At the very least, Merlin had calmed down a bit. Gaius looked like he wanted to say more, but the door opened before he could continue.

“Merlin?” Arthur said with uncharacteristic softness.

“Arthur,” Merlin began hoarsely, “I can explain—”

“No, Merlin. I understand. I know you, I know that you’re not evil. You’re one of the best men I know: brave, loyal, and compassionate. There’s not an evil bone in your body. I’ll admit, the magic was a surprise, but my good luck certainly makes a lot more sense now,” Arthur said. 

Merlin gazed up wide-eyed at Arthur. His mouth gaped open slightly, as if he wanted to speak but couldn’t find the words. 

Before Merlin could think of anything to say, Gwen began, “Merlin, I just…” she trailed off, and continued, “I just want to know; did you heal my father? I mean, you confessed! I didn’t believe it, but now that I know it seems much more likely—that is the sort of thing you’d do if you had magic— I mean, not if you had magic, you do have magic, but it is a very Merlin thing to do, is what I mean!” she rambled.

“Yes, Gwen. I did heal him. I’m just sorry that I left the poultice behind. You were almost burned because of me! I’m so sorry, Gwen!” Merlin said, choking out the words with difficulty. Gaius handed him a cup of water, and Merlin sipped from it, letting it soothe his throat.

“Oh, Merlin! Thank you, thank you so much! Don’t apologize. You gave me more time with my father, and I can’t thank you enough for that,” Gwen said, looking Merlin in the eyes with a small smile. Merlin hesitantly smiled back. 

Arthur cleared his throat, and said, “Gaius, is Merlin well enough for other visitors? The knights would like to see him.”

“Yes, he can have visitors as long as they don’t agitate him.”

“Merlin, would you like to see them? I could have them come one at a time if you think having all of them here is too much for you,” Arthur said.

Merlin paused for a moment, then replied, “No, it’s fine. They can all come. I need to explain, and apologize.”

“Guinevere, could you please get the knights, you know which ones, and tell them that they can visit him? Make sure they know not to upset him,” Arthur said. He turned back to Merlin, “you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, if half of the things I suspect you did with magic are true, then we all owe you a profound debt of gratitude. I think that more than makes up for whatever you’re feeling guilty about.”


	4. Talking with the Knights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The knights get to talk with Merlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My overuse of dashes continues, and this chapter also overuses the phrase "good man." Oh well, I still like it.

The knights couldn’t all fit in Merlin’s small room, so they brought Merlin onto the patient bed in the main area of the physician's chambers. He was too weak to walk by himself, so Arthur carried him, despite Merlin’s quiet protests. Though he’d never admit it, even being carried was exhausting for Merlin. He had a few minutes to rest, then the knights came into the room. 

“Hi,” Merlin said weakly. Everyone else seemed to be at a loss for words, so it was silent for a few moments.

“Merlin—” Gwaine began, then paused. “...You should know that you were my first real friend. And the best man I’ve ever known. Even with your magic. And I’ve got a hunch that you’ve done some amazing things with your magic. I know you, Merlin. And I know that you’re a good man. Your magic doesn’t change that.”

Before Merlin could respond, Leon started talking. “Merlin, I know that you’re a loyal man, and that you do what you believe is right. Hearing of your magic was a shock, but if you have magic, it can’t be wholly evil,” he said.

“Thank you,” Merlin said, eyes watering, scarcely believing the acceptance that he’d been given.

“I haven’t known you for very long, but I know that you’re a good man. Everyone trusts you, and for good reason,” Percival said.

“Oh!” Gwen said. “Elyan, I need to tell you something! Do you remember the sickness that I told you about?”

“Yes,” Elyan said, somewhat pained at the mention of it. “When father miraculously recovered?”

“Yes. It was Merlin! He healed him! And when I got arrested for sorcery, Merlin confessed to save me! Luckily, no one believed him,” Gwen said.

Elyan was shocked into silence for a moment. “Merlin, thank you. I knew that you were a good man, but now I’m starting to see just how great you are. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.”

Merlin’s tears started to fall. He never expected to be tolerated after his magic was revealed, certainly not praised. 

“Merlin, there’s no need to cry,” Gwen said. 

“I’m just— I can’t believe it!” Merlin sobbed. “I thought that everyone would hate me.”

“Well, we clearly don’t, you idiot,” Arthur said, trying for some normalcy. Everyone gave him disapproving looks. “...What I mean is that you’re important to us. You matter, and you’re a good man— no, a great man.”

Merlin had never been complimented so much before. As a child, his mother praised him when she wasn’t warning or admonishing him about his magic, but that had been tempered by the hatred from the rest of the village. Gaius had good things to say to him, of course, but he was never one for overt commendation. He prefered to show his pride for Merlin by giving him warm meals and a listening ear. Being complimented by his friends— even Arthur!— filled him with more joy than he’d felt in a long time. 

“...Lancelot, do you have anything to say?” Arthur asked.

“Sire, I have a few things to admit. I didn’t kill the griffin. Merlin did— with his magic. I saw it happen, and I confronted him later. I could see even then that he was a good man, so I swore to keep his secret,” Lancelot said.

“You knew?” Gwaine asked. “Ha! I was beginning to think that there was something between you and Merlin, if you know what I mean, since you two always seemed to be whispering or sneaking off together. But I guess that was just magical chatter and adventure, eh?”

Lancelot nodded, and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Arthur. “Sneaking off… Merlin, Sir Lancelot, what happened with the warning bell? You two went off, on your own, and failed to accomplish your task, even with the help of magic. Here’s the thing, though: I don’t believe that. Merlin wouldn’t have failed in his objective, so he must have had something more important to do than taking out the warning bell. What was it? What did you do?”

Merlin finally spoke up, “We emptied the cup of life. The blood of the soldiers in the cup is what gave them immortality. Once the cup was emptied, the soldiers disappeared.”

A silent revelation passed through Arthur and the knights (except for Lancelot). Merlin saved Camelot, almost single-handedly. They all owed him their lives. Yet Merlin never sought any acknowledgement. He saved them, only to retreat into the shadows where he lived his life, unthanked. What could they possibly say in response to such bravery, nobility, and humility? What had they ever done to deserve Merlin’s devotion?

“Oh, Merlin, that must have been so dangerous!” Gwen said. “You could’ve died!”

“It was a risk I was willing to take,” Merlin said.

“And I was there to watch his back,” Lancelot added.

“Lancelot, thank you for taking care of Merlin when we couldn’t,” Arthur said. “It’s good to know that he had a friend to confide in, as well as Gaius.” 

Merlin had a small smile on his face. He hadn’t looked that content for months. It pained Arthur to know how heavily the secret of his magic must have weighed on Merlin. 

“Merlin, you don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready, but what else have you done with your magic? I know that you’ve made mistakes, but I want to know the truth. And I know, without a doubt, that you did the best you could, and that you always chose the path that you believed was right. Sometimes there isn’t a good choice, and you have to do the best you can, even though that doesn’t feel like enough. That’s the burden of making life-or-death decisions. Regardless, I know you, so I know that you only did what you had to do,” Arthur said. 

“I’ll tell you,” Merlin said. “I’ll tell you everything.”

So he did. They laughed at his shenanigans, rejoiced at his triumphs, and mourned for his losses. They began to understand their unique, amazing, and altogether wonderful friend, and Merlin started healing. They all knew that it was going to be a long and arduous journey, but they were all going to give Merlin the love and support he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to end with this chapter, but when I was nearing the end I realized that I didn't really have anything else to say. I'm delighted to have finally finished a fic! I hope you liked this little story! Let me know if you did!


End file.
